Home Depot 2: Electric Boogaloo, 1/1

Wed, 02 Sep 2009 01:21:29 GMT

Title: Home Depot 2: Electric Boogaloo

Author: merelyn

Pairing: Chris Pine/visors, Zach Quinto/gazebo/waterfall

Summary: The gazebo gods demand another sacrifice.

Warnings: Christopher Whitelaw Pine should be canonized if this were true. As it's not, this is still the result of the fact that our lives clearly don't RULE enough, and so we make each other do this shit for fun instead. merelyn was just the unlucky one this time.

Notes: Chris is still the best lesbian ever, so, when Zach decides that there has to be a water feature in his yard, there's only one man to go to.

Other notes: READ THESE FIRST, OR SERIOUSLY... IDK-- it'll make little to no sense? (It'll probably make little no sense anyway-- there's pure, undiluted merelyn, leupagus, rageprufrock and myself, so. Yes. Home Depot, by Pru and The Outtakes. I'm posting it, because it's a rule.

(merelyn: ALSO. i think the primary conflict of the next home depot fic happens when Zach's dream of elaborate water landscaping runs afoul of LA water restrictions.
leupagus: (MERELYN. PLEASE BE MINE)
merelyn: (and chris caught in the middle like the bitch he is.)
rageprufrock: omg merelyn you have to write that
leupagus: You do
rageprufrock: poor chris D:
leupagus: Like, right now
merelyn: omg no.
twentysomething: DO IT
I'LL POST IT GIRL
you're safe
rageprufrock: do it
leupagus: PLEASE
rageprufrock: doooo it)

“What do you mean I can't have a miniature waterfall?” Zach asks, like it's a perfectly reasonable question and not the douchiest thing Chris has ever heard. (This week. He did fall into a reality TV k-hole last weekend when a certain person was out of town. But no one needs to know that.) He and Zach are standing in the motherfucking Outdoor Décor aisle in the motherfucking Home Depot.

(rageprufrock: OMFG YES
leupagus: YESSSSSSSS
merelyn: fuck no i'm not.
that was it
twentysomething: EEEEEEEE DOLPHINS
merelyn: okay?
rageprufrock: sldkfj
NO
COME ON MERELYN
twentysomething: DDDDDDDDDDDDDD;
DDDDDDDD:
rageprufrock: look, do you or do you not
rageprufrock: want me to write the story where chris pine's sister buys him a blue dolphin vibe
for his birthday
and he opens it in front of zach and everybody
merelyn: ...
goddammit.
rageprufrock: and is like DDDDDDDDD:
leupagus: , uh, I want that.
rageprufrock: YEAH
MERELYN
SO WRITE
leupagus: COME ON MERELYN, ALL THE COOL KIDS ARE DOING IT
merelyn: OMG FINE.
rageprufrock: YEAH IT ONLY HURTS THE FIRST TIME
I HAVE NEEDS
merelyn: D:
rageprufrock: MYTHING IS GOING TO FALL OFF OKAY?
twentysomething: BABY
BABY ITS JUST US
NOBODY ELSE NEEDS TO KNOW
leupagus: WHAT? NO IM TOTALLY NOT TAPING THIS.
THAT RED LIGHT IS FOR SOMETHING ELSE. EYES ON ME BABY.
merelyn: OKAY FINE I'M GOING TO GO RESEARCH LA WATER RESTRICTIONS AND THEN SLIT MY WRISTS WITH A SHAME RAZOR.)

Chris had sworn up and down and on the grave of Leonard Nimoy (“He's not dead, Christopher!”) that he was never setting foot in the stupid stupid Home Depot again. Zach however, did that thing he does where he ignores the part where Chris is cool now and has appearances to maintain, like the appearance of walking in straight lines and away from pyramids of paint cans.

(leupagus: !!!!!
MERE I WILL TOTES HAVE YOUR BABIES
twentysomething: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
leupagus: JOSEPHINE NEEDS TO MAKE A RETURN APPEARANCE
rageprufrock: OMG SO IMPORTANT TO MYLIFE
twentysomething: SERIOUSLY
leupagus: SHE SCOWLS AT HIM UNTIL HE PROMISES NOT TO GO NEAR THE PAINT AISLE
rageprufrock: oh god now i am watching satan's alley
fucking tobey macguire
leupagus: ...)

Chad, the helpful associate who Zach corralled as soon as he realized that water landscaping was not, ever, sorry, Chris' forte, looks faintly terrified at the piercing, utterly earnest expression on Zach's face. It's like kicking an orphan and a puppy and a fluffy kitten all at once. Chris should know. It's why he's currently looking at a waterfall pump and wondering if he can bludgeon himself to death with it.

(rageprufrock: omfg he's so easy
rageprufrock: the best part is zach's not even touching his penis
merelyn: it's sooo true.
twentysomething: hahahahahahahaa
leupagus: God, this is making me really sorry for Chris
twentysomething: so good
isn't that the point?
merelyn: THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT, LEUPAGUS.
rageprufrock: yeah serious
leupagus: No, I mean, at teh end of ALL OF THIS, he still doesn't get to touch Zach's dick
twentysomething: D:
poor bb
leupagus: I know
It's like, God, he's Kirk all over again
Kirk with a visor)

“I’m sorry sir, we sell pumps, filters and pond liners in store, but we don’t carry large pieces like that.”

(merelyn: TBC bitches
leupagus: Merelyn, you realize tomorrow at work
We're going to be significant pausing you like crazy, right?
twentysomething: hahahahaah
merelyn: um.
yes?
leupagus: Tomorrow, your assignment, even though you chose not to accept it: write Home Depot III - Home Depoter.
We may need to think of a better title
merelyn: omg. why did we miss the Electric Boogaloo title option for the outtake.
fail.
leupagus: Because it wasn't a sequel
It was an outtake
Yours could be a sequel!
twentysomething: HAHAHAHAAH
leupagus: HOME DEPOT II - ELECTRIC BOOGALOO
merelyn: YES
rageprufrock: we are terrible
twentysomething: unnecessary waterfall boogaloo
rageprufrock: we never should have all become friends)

(the next morning)

(twentysomething: merelyyyyyn
you know what would hit the spot right nowwwwwwww
rageprufrock: some hooooome deeeeepot
twentysomething: a nice elegant little waterfalllllll
rageprufrock: zach needs a motherfucking waterfall woman
twentysomething: next to my gazeboooooooooooooo
rageprufrock: if he doesn't have one, in front of what will he savagely fuck twinks?
it would be unfair)

Five minutes later, Chad has brought them over to a computer so he can show Zach the totally ridiculous pond thing and Chris has been waved at by no less than three store employees (“Oh, you have fans,” Zach says absently like the evil shit that he is) including Josephine, who looks between him and Zach with an expression Chris chooses to ignore because it’s fucking embarrassing.

Five minutes after *that* Zach has finally made the apparently very important decision between a waterfall with a pond and a waterfall without a pond. Chad rings them up and that’s when Zach elbows him gently in the solar plexus for his credit card.

Even though the wrongs committed against him in this store have been mounting steadily for months, Chris hands it over anyway, because, hey, it’s a waterfall. In a box. That’s awesome. Chris approves of things that are in boxes that should not be possible to put in boxes. Even if they do cost $800. (“Shipping included!” Chad chirps.)

“Only tacky people lack a water feature in their garden, Christopher,” Zach pronounces softly as they leave, and Chris is distracted by the contentment playing around Zach’s lips for the entire ride home.

(twentysomething: OH CHRIS
rageprufrock: omfg he's so whipped
like, it's fucking tragic
zach is an evil genius
twentysomething: JOSEPHINE KNOWS
rageprufrock: I mean even I would have been guilted into sucking some cock at this point
merelyn: SHE DOES. SHE HAS HIS NUMBER.
twentysomething: it's just
i feel so bad
because CHRIS
rageprufrock: whatever, i am sure chris likes it
twentysomething: POOR CHRIS
rageprufrock: he has the money!
(AmEx worries about him, though.)
twentysomething: IS NEVER GOING TO GET ZACH TO TOUCH HIS DICK
rageprufrock: they're like, sir? all you used to buy were lisa loeb live in concert blu ray dvds and like, kettle corn and zima -- and now home depot all the time. is everything okay?
twentysomething: HE JUST WANTS SOME SAVAGE LOVIN
AHAHAHA
merelyn: ahaha
oh god.
twentysomething: "you're lesbiescalating, sir.")

According to the website, Waterfalls-in-Boxes take three to seven business days to ship. Zach manfully restrains himself and waits two whole days before he starts harassing the shit out of Chris. (Almost. It’s more like 36 hours.)

(twentysomething: AHAHAHAH
rageprufrock: I think he sulks
a lot
and chris resorts to planning him flowers
twentysomething: probably distracts him with like sporcle.com
and zach destroys at flags of the world
or possibly freerice.com
rageprufrock: manhunt.com
you know, whatever
twentysomething: hahahaahah)

Finally Zach ends up in his beautiful, sturdily-constructed-without-so-much-as-a-thank-you-or-any-better-fuck-nevermind gazebo, sitting in judgment of the empty place in his lawn where the waterfall isn’t. He mournfully sips more of that shitty sangria and even the flowers on the trellis above him seem to be blaming Chris for it all.

Chris finally can’t take it anymore so he brings over a pile of scripts and tries to convince Zach that his next project should totally be something with vampires and space whores that reads like a monkey and/or 12 year old boy wrote it.

(twentysomething: YESSSSSSSSSSS
YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT VAMPIRES AND SPACE WHORES
merelyn: I DO KNOW.
rageprufrock: omfg yessssss)

(At this point, everyone left and gmail crashed and the rest of this was written in a haze of crazy without commentary. Sorry, BBs.)

“I am not playing a character called Rod ‘Turbo’ Smith-Awesome,” Zach says with a straight face he stole from Spock.

“Come on, *Zachary*,” he parrots at Zach, because Zach’s been a bitch all morning and he definitely thinks this is funny even if he won’t admit it, “you’d be like the male version of Tomb Raider- only with space whores and wife beaters and-“ Chris trails off in burst of terrible wheezy machine gun laughter that would be appalling but the image is just too too awesome for him to give a shit.

Chris has to distract himself from the second image that follows of Zach being all sweaty and dirty and shooting things and taking names in a wife beater, so he unwisely continues with, “The best part is the implication that Ms. Smith and Mr. Awesome got married and had a baby named Rod and they felt the need to hyphenate the last name.” He’s gone again, sinking into the ridiculous plush sofa in one of Zach’s living rooms. It’s hideously expensive but Noah gets dog hair all over it anyway. He sees Zach crack a smile and flip him off out of the corner of his eye.

Finally, in a day that Chris has labeled Waterfall 2: Judgment Day in his head (“Indoor thought, dude. Indoor thought.” Zach says when it accidentally comes out of his mouth) the Waterfall-in-a-Box arrives. Chris is woken up by his cellphone at a toxic hour of the morning. Zach just says “It’s here,” and hangs up, as though a) Chris will know what he’s talking about and b) will just, what, drop everything and come over right away as though Chris has nothing better to do today like sleeping or getting coffee or curling his visor some more?

He’s over there in 20. The two of them stare at the Waterfall-in-a-Box for a minute, and before the argument of “You open it” “No, you open it” “It’s your fucking gay fountain thing, you open it” devolves into a slap fight they take it out to the backyard. This is, apparently, all Zach can be bothered to do to help. He soon retreats to the comforting embrace of his patio furniture and leaves Chris to figure out how to install a motherfucking waterfall.

Chris had been half-expecting that the Waterfall-in-a-Box would just spring forth from its packaging fully assembled like one of those tents or a novelty snake in a can. This proves to be so far from the case that Chris wants to cry or go back in time and punch himself in the face for agreeing to this.

The less said about the seven hours that follow the better, but let’s just say the directions suck, it takes five tries before Zach approves of the way the stones are arranged, and it’s hot and Chris is probably going to die of dehydration and sunstroke from putting a pond in his best friend’s backyard and the media will have a goddamn field day with it.

“Next time, you’re hiring someone to do this crap,” Chris says weakly, collapsed on Zach’s lawn next to the (functional! That’s right! He’s awesome!) waterfall and pond. The gently burbling water sounds like it’s weeping over Chris’ shame and lost dignity. Zach disagrees and calls it “soothing” instead.

Zach does get Chris a beer and lets him sleep, exhausted, on his couch, so it’s not the worst day ever after all.

In the morning Chris awakes from the sleep of Those Who Built Waterfalls From a Box All God Damn Day Yesterday to the sound of a someone knocking on a door. It takes him a few seconds to remember where he is (Zach’s) and why he’s here (that fucker). Noah, excited by the commotion, runs barking into the living room to put his wet dog nose in Chris’ ear.

“…the Los Angeles Department of Water and Power,” Chris hears someone say once he’s righted himself and padded toward the front door. Chris doesn’t hear much of the rest- something about water restrictions and violations and sprinklers- because he’s caught by the expression on Zach’s face, half-asleep and pissed off but trying to pretend like he’s actually a mature human being. It’s…something.

The suit at the door hands Zach a pamphlet called Water Restrictions and You and goes on his merry waterfall-ruining way.

“One of the neighbors,” Zach says. Chris knows immediately who is was: that bored old woman with big hair who watched him hauling the gazebo lumber into Zach’s backyard last month through the ugly floral curtains of her kitchen with creepy interest. At the time, Chris had thought that she thought he was Zach’s hired twink who did construction on the side, which was hilarious, but now he suspects something more sinister.

“They ratted us out,” Zach continues, with something that is way too much like a pout for a grown man to actually pull off. Zach does though. It’s one of his ninja skills.

Chris can feel something like a rage blackout coming upon him, and Zach better not say what he thinks Zach is going to say. “We have to turn off the waterfall.”

“What the fucking fuck!” yells Chris. “You've got to be fucking kidding me. It wasn’t even running for more than a day.” He resists the urge to go steal the bitch’s newspaper every morning for eternity. Zach probably wouldn’t like that, though.

In the end that’s what they do, turn it off. Strangely, Zach is even more bummed by the whole thing than Chris is in the end, which is bullshit considering he only “supervised” while Chris did all of the scarring horrible bitch work for seven hours of his life that he could have spent curling his visor.

He gets Zach a cup of coffee after, and they sit in the gazebo while Noah runs around the backyard, sniffing at the pond graveyard. Chris watches the lines of Zach’s frown settle into his face in a way that makes Chris’ chest hurt unaccountably. A tiny part of him- the part that suspects that maybe Zach has a whole different reason for his sudden-onset home improvement mania, something that has nothing to do with making Chris’ life fucking miserable, but maybe the opposite- wants to do something dumb like give Zach a hug. With back patting, you know, because it’s not (and never going to be) like that.

After a few minutes of companionable silence- well, Chris’ is companionable, Zach is leaning more toward stoic despair- the sun rises higher and Zach slips on his sunglasses in mourning for the water feature from hell. It’s strange, but Chris can’t help but smile to himself. There’s a drought, but it’s a beautiful day in California and he is starting to realize that maybe he’d rather be a fucking Home Depot in the Valley with this weirdo than anywhere else in the world.

He says, finally, because Zach is still quietly sulking and there’s nothing else to say at this point, “So. You said you wanted an outdoor fireplace?”

(twentysomething: OH MY GOD I LOVE THIS SO MUCH I'M ACTUALLY GOING TO MARRY IT AND MAKE AN HONEST FIC OUT OF IT UNLIKE THOSE MIDDLE SCHOOL SUB-BLEACHER GANGBANGERS WE HANG OUT WITH.)

EDIT: 5 MINUTES AFTER POSTING

twentysomething: WAIT SHIT
FUCK
IF THIS CONTINUES
I HAVE TO WRITE THE NEXT PART
FUCCCKKKKKK
merelyn: AHAHA

Wed, 21 Apr 2004 01:25:57 GMT

friends only. comment if you need a something.

Twentysomething

Home Depot 2: Electric Boogaloo, 1/1